If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
