Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
