I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
