I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
