I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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