Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
