new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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