I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
