If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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