The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My day in three words: secret purse cake
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize