What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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