His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
