It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
