Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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