you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
