I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
