i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
