I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
