I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
