He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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