you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
