I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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