He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he was CRYING into my vagina
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
