I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
