So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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