did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
