did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
