Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
