why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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