she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
