I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Dick very happy bro
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