she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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