can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize