All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
