saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
