the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Everclear isn't food dammit
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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