some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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