I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
