You're completely useless in the revolution.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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