he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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