My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just invented taco cereal.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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