not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
