Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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