all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
