I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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