If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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