Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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