Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
It's never too late to be topless.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
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