am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
