if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
