Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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