drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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