Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
