mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Yo dont text me then not text me
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
