Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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