You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
