I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
