If that was your dad, he is hot
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
