Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
