Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
