i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
